No More Perfect Mom

I know it has been a while since my last blog but I am here to say it's amazing what a little running away to a mom's conventions can do for you. I hope you don't mind but I am going to be a little honest, open, and real with you in this blog.

When I had my daughter 3 yrs ago, I thought I was well prepared for parenting and motherhood. I was 34 yrs old, I thought I finally reached adulthood and was ready for the journey in front of me. I thought by reading all kinds of books on past scars and passing it down to my children, speaking with moms that had been through the battles and walked away with scars from motherhood that I would not make the same mistakes. Joke was on me. So when I had my son, I felt lost, confused, exhausted, burned out, and very much defeated. With lack of knowledge and no "Real" support system I felt alone in this role of being a mother. See when I was growing up I didn't have the a good role model of what mothers are suppose to do for their children. Now saying that, some will say I am contradicting myself but follow me for a minute. My mom was a great mom in other ways. She loved me unconditionally, supported me when I need it, worked hard to provide for me, and she taught me how to survive when life was just plain ugly. I now understand that my mom was not a bad mom she just didn't have anyone every show her, model for her on the role of motherhood. She wasn't given the tools she needed to be a wife and mother. From the get go in her relationship with my dad was abusive and ugly but where their is ugliness beauty always follows which in her case was my brother and I.

I just came home from the most overwhelming and emotional weekend face to face with  Jesus and real truth. I went to my first "Hearts at Home National Convention" in Bloomington-Normal, IL. Ladies, that have gone before prepared me as much as they could and I even tried to prepare myself emotionally for the experience. Our first speaker, was Jill Savage founder of Hearts at Home. When she spoke it was like she was speaking right at me and my life. Sometimes moms, you just need to get real and take off the mask that covers our scars and bruises from childhood to motherhood. Before I walked in that big auditorium I made that decision I was going to be open and honest with myself and to God! Look myself in the mirror and allow God to pierce my heart because honestly I was more than just exhausted when I headed to Bloomington-Normal. I was emotionally and mentally felt ran over by a big Semi-Truck and I didn't know how I was ever gonna get pass some stuff I was dealing with feelings and outburst like anger, bitterness, and exhaustion. I was sick-tired of the way I was living & responding to situations with complete anger & bitterness, sick-tired of the way I was responding to my husband and children, sick-tired in the way I was treating people I loved like my mom. So I was at a place in my heart that I needed someone to help me and minister right to my heart and right where I was at. That is what is so cool about God he knows our hearts and he knows what we need even when we can't put it into words. He knows. So God Almighty used some amazing woman and men to minister to me and supplied me with tools that I can use and put into practice immediately.

What does "No more Perfect Mom" mean to me?

Giving myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes. Now, those few short sentence means a lot to me....If I would allow myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes that means that I would not be disappointed. Which for me disappointment leads to anger then to "mommy monster" as Jill called it. I then wouldn't feel guilty because I released the high expectation that myself and my family had live up too. Another thing, that stood out to me is stop comparing my inside to other women, mothers, families outside. That really becomes a dangerous game to play. Which I did all the time. I would compare myself to other women, Facebook friends, Pinterest, even family members, friends, and acquaintances. So you name it I played the comparison game all the time. I wasn't pretty even, my hair wasn't long enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't nice enough, I wasn't ..... my list and expectation on myself was harsh and long. The Freedom I feel to have the tangible tools in my hands and heart to really be able to be REAL and UNMASKED! No longer living a life of fakeness but REALNESS! I have a real husband who likes to wash towels with shirts, I have real children who do not listen and obey like I would like and talks back, I have a real me who I was quick to anger when my expectation wasn't met but have learned to replace anger with grace. Grace has been a way of living for me lately..I am learning to embrace my new friend grace.....

2 Corinthians 12:9

Amplified Bible (AMP)

⁹ But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and ^[a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may ^[b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!

I not just walked away with a new outlook, tangible tools to apply into my life, new purpose & direction but I walked away with a new friend who once was an acquaintences to me but now my accountability partner in this crazy world of being a wife and mother. Even though we live in different part of the State of IL. She lives in Southern  IL and I live in Northern IL God has a cool way of making the dots connect. 

Until next time, 

I was Lost but now I am Found

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog, time has really slipped away from me. January is always a extremely busy month for us. Right after Christmas then my daughter's birthday and then onto my birthday so before we know it February creeps up on us....

During my busy month I have really stepped it up and opened myself up to God in a way I have never done. Have you ever been in a place in your life when you feel extremely vulnerable? Maybe on your wedding night  when it is just you and your husband  for the first time. You could feel a bit vulnerable like never before. Something changed in you that night. The Wall of Jerico that has always surrounded you comes tumbling down and for the first time your husband glazes in your eyes piercing right into your soul. Well, that is how God wants us - vulnerable to Him. I feel like for the first time in my life the Wall of Jerico has crumbled down. Standing in complete awe of Him, watching the Master chisel {cut, shaped} away all the hurt and pain, humiliation, fear, and erasing away all the bad & scary memories of my childhood to adulthood; to only discover a beautiful shiny diamond that was hidden underneath it all. To finally get this glimpse of hope, love, and beauty has really all I ever wanted. For so long I covered and shield myself from Him and from others that have known me. See, Father God has something more for us! He wants to take all that has happen in our lives and restore better than new!

When I finally came to this place, I seen Him first hand see my heart and know my thoughts. Over a period of 6 months he slowly removed people from my life that had no place any more. Some people would look at this as I was ending friendships to be cruel and evil but that wasn't what was happening. Oh How I love thee!  My Father God, was chiselling all the negativity from my life and when He was done with that part he was smoothing out the relationships that were still negative but needed to be there to show me that HE IS GOD ALMIGHTY! Who has given me the keys to improve the way I use my words & acted in those relationships. Now, I am not perfect and I do not claim to be but I am His Masterpiece that is being purified to see things not in my own eyes but with a clearer perception on life.

                                                                                                                                        For far too long I allowed people to steal Love, Joy, Peace, Hope, and Faith from me. I allowed people to take from me, talk down to me, and mistreat me. Over time, I began to go with the "flow" and started to act like them. I am not saying these people were all bad, because they weren't. I once had a dear friend of mine reminded me there is a season for everything. This season of my life caused friendship to unravel and that even meant certain friendships had to end.

 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14

I took a long look in the mirror and discovered that I really didn't like the person I became. I was at that place where I was crying out to God like I had so many times before... "WHY GOD-WHY ME!" This time, I really listened to what He had to say. His soft but stern voice was so loving and gracious even though I know I didn't deserve it. He gently showed me many things in the last several months on what I really needed to see-He shined HIS LIGHT on the darkness in my life. I had surrounded myself with too many negative people allowing them to rub off on me and I was now acting like them. He was showing me how I was really treating my husband with my words and actions,  treating other people I loved, and how I was acting as a mother. I wanted to be better example to my children so they will never know a day without Jesus. I finally allowed the truth to shine on me and yes I am sure their is more truth to see but right now this is all God was showing me so He could improve and better me. One step at a time. One moment at a time. 

 I was allowing things to affect me negatively and I was giving permission to be drained all the time. So I had nothing to give to my own family. When you are child of God you need to surround yourself with healthy and positive people that can become your accountability. I came to this place where it was time to put behind the gossip, back-biting, hatred, anger, strife, and stop living for myself! When you do that, things are going to change. The wind shifted in a new direction for me, where I could stand on top of the mountain and look down into the valley and see the beauty that God had created for me. My heart had received a heart transplant from the best surgeon of all. For the first time in my life, I really feel completely vulnerable and free in a beautiful way! I am developing a new &  fresh romance. I am sure their are people that are reading this and think this girl is a quack - trust me I'm not- I have seen and know that I have been seeking for a long time and found a jewel so beautiful and priceless that is worth more to me than anything I have ever lost or was taken away from me. God has breathed new life in my marriage, my relationships with people, with my family, and especially with my children.

I am now surrounding myself around people who don't just love me but people who lift me up and encourage me just like I do for them. I have chosen to really get to know who my Creator is to me. He has changed me. I am not perfect. I am still human that makes mistakes and have bad days just like the next person but that still doesn't change that I am a working progress being chiselled daily by my Master, my Lord and Savior! 

"For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 (NIV 1984)

In Christ, 

Liz 

So what is Soul Integrity???

Fall of 2012, I did my first OBS...So what is OBS? Online Bible Study. We studied the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst which I would recommend anyone of any walk of life to pick up your copy today you would not regret. I first heard of Lysa on K-Love. I was in a state of searching and hungry for more of God. Not only that, I knew in my heart I needed to change but I am not talking about a little change. I knew I was in need of a complete transformation with a new and balance relationship with God. Like many people, I would say "yea I serve Jesus" "I go to church sometimes" "I am an alright mom" "I am good wife" the list of convincing myself of the things that I was so called doing came down to one question that I had for myself, "was I really doing what was pleasing to God in action and words?" So, my OBS taught me to be honest with myself. Which lets be real, that is hard to do sometimes. I had to open my heart, my mind, and be real. Which had brought me to this place. Along the way, I learned that I am very much an unglued momma. I am not just an unglued momma but I am mainly "exploder" with some "stuffing" at times. I know that is hard to believe for those that really know me. I was born in a roller coaster of emotions with no idea how to control them. I felt like bull rider being swung from one end of the bull to other but the thing is I didn't even know how to hang on for the ride. I was thrown from one end of the spectrum to the other end. Now, if I was God I would of gave up on me a long time ago. But nope, He wasn't done with me as a teenager and He is not done with me now. So here we are.... Soul Integrity is my deepest heart desire to find, live, breath, and have it's way in me....According to Lysa's book Unglued this is what soul integrity is.

Soul Integrity is honesty that's godly. It brings the passion of the exploder and the peacemaking of the stuffer under the authority of Jesus where honesty and godliness embrace and balance each other.

Something has changed in me in the last couple of months...I am not saying I haven't had my moments where I felt like I could blow up like a shook up pop bottle, because I have. I am a working progress wife, mother, daughter, and woman. I know their are times where I know God has taken my words away just like God did with Zachariah. I recently heard a message by Joel Osteen that has set my heart on fire...If you have nothing positive to say then ZIP IT! I am a Working Progress in my relationships with family members, husband, my parents, and children. I found myself looking in the mirror and asking myself do I really want my daughter and son to ride the same roller coaster that I have always been on? NO WAY! So if I didn't want that to happen then I needed to do something about it...Getting a Grip literally!

Throughout this working progress, I have to admit I have asked God many questions. Why in the heck couldn't I be like so and so because they are so calm, quiet, passive, relax life would be so much easier...God gently reminded me to carry my own load.

Galatians 6:4-5 New International Version (NIV) 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load.

Something else about Soul Integrity that I found is important is how and what you are saying to yourself. What kind of labels are you speaking because I know the labels I have been speaking out of my mouth since I was a child and it is not good. Learning to stop speaking untrue words that is against what God says we are...The bible talks a lot about the our tongue and what we are saying.

James 3:9-12 The Message (MSG) 7-10 This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

10-12 My friends, this can’t go on. A spring doesn’t gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don’t bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don’t bear apples, do they? You’re not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

That hurts...I remember one time that I was sitting and meeting with my Pastor wife as a teenager and she gave me an assignment that was getting a poster board and writing out all the scriptures I could find on the tongue and words we speak. I found a lot but I am sure I could of found more if I put more into it...We speak words daily, some people talk more than others but just because we think it doesn't mean we have to speak it. I challenge each of us this week, get a notebook and write out scriptures on words you will be amazed on what God really says. I am also going to be doing this. So go on this journey with and strive toward SOUL INTEGRITY...Are you with me?

Jesus has made me a kind-hearted person, full of encouragementand eager to inspire any person who gets within ten feet of me. Jesus has made me smart enough to know that I need Him-desperately and fully. And Jesus has assigned all of us the important job of representing Him to this world, which means we re-represent Him everywhere we go.

Lysa Terkeurst "Unglued"

Check out Lysa's book: http://www.ungluedbook.com/

2013 is going to be full of New Adventures.....

First off, Happy New Year! 2013 is going to be the Best Year You have Ever Seen!

Have you ever travelled in an area that you have never been too or not familiar with?  I am there now  unsure on my next move but putting one foot in front of the other and following God's lead all the way.

I have started and embarked on a new adventure that is Spirit led on my path of being a Homemaker aka "stay at home mom" that includes home management and organizing our lives to run more efficient, Meal Planning and living by a budget, home schooling my toddlers, and but most importantly striving toward being a Proverbs 31 Woman which my marriage and children are my #1 ministry.

2012 was my year of preparation for what I am embarking on for 2013. In a few short weeks I will start homeschooling my tot and then by fall I will be full speed ahead with my wings spread wide heading into 3 day a week preschool. I never thought I would even do anything like this. I remember growing up in my church and hearing some people speak of homeschooling but never thought that would be something for me to do someday. So here I am, obeying the still small voice "this is my purpose for such a time as this"...

The other thing that God has laid on my heart is relearning how to become a better me, wife, and mother. I have always loved to organize but didn't really know how to organize my family & home... So my other goal is that in one year from this week that my house would be organized. Learning to manage my home and family is vital. When you get married and have children we always tell ourselves "I was never given a manual to raise my children or how to be a wife" but that is not true...God's word is our manual from being a woman of faith, what is expected in a marriage for men and woman, how to raise your children, to love, to forgive, and the list can go on. I have always had the manual but I don't think I really took the time to study the manual to figure out how everything works together to glorify God! So here I am on my journey as I crack open the manual, learn how to manage through making my own stuff, to cooking, reading books, motherhood, and being a good wife that loves the Lord with all her heart. Not just saying it but actually walking & speaking it...I hope you join me on my travels and I am always open to new ideas....

God Bless

Liz

Finding Grace......

"God loves you, God love you now.God loves you when you're unglued.God loves you when you stuff. God loves you when you explode. He loves when you exemplify soul integrity., and He loves you when you don't. He loves you. He loves you. he loves you. He loves you so much that He refuses to leave you stuck in this place. Take His hand, trust His love, and walk in the beautiful opportunity for imperfect progress." Lysa Terkeurst

This is the first Online Bible Study, I have ever participated in before. It has been the best thing I have ever done...Lysa's book "Unglued" has challenged me with each word, sentence, paragraph, and chapter that I read. I have never highlighted and wrote so many notes like I am studying to become a Dr or something. I am not studying to become a dr but I did discover my new committment to myself to be imperfect progress and I have to remind myself the following:

1. God Loves Me UNCONDIONALLY! His mercies are new every morning!
2. To give grace & love to others
3. To Pause-STOP!, Needs Perspective, and Then Respond

I have always been a type of person that can easily come unglued but through this journey that I choose forgive myself and give grace to others. The hardest thing to do in my life is forgive myself and honestly showing grace through my actions & words. I know that it took years to become the person I am today and I know that boom I wake up and I am new person. But everyday I have a choice I have to make. The choice to control my raw emotions instead of allowing them to control me and how I treat others around me. Everyday is a new day. Thank you to Lysa for making me see the truth about myself, laughing and even times of tears (of course from laughing-) Thank you Melissa, for being a great leader and posting words of encouragement daily! You have been a blessing to me!

I know that Unglued will be a book that stays very close to my purse, my nightstand, and my desk!

I can't wait until we start the OBS of  "The Greater" -

Seeking Him First,
Liz

Being Chiseled....

My beautiful daughter demonstrated what I felt like yesterday....lol 

I have a 2 1/2 yrs old that is at that perfect season in her life where she is immatiating everything I say and do. If you are a mother you know that right now is very challenging time for me. Whichever my attitude is, it's mocked back at me. Whatever I say, is mocked backed at me. Yesterday, was my Unglued Moment....I look back my unglued moment was mocked back at me to a point that the tension in my house was high and the plans we had for last night to leave and go to the grandparents house was cancelled. Which ended up being the best thing ever. Bath time came earlier, the lights came down sooner than normal, and both kids were sleeping by 8:30pm...When I laid my head on my pillow, I felt very numb that I acted the way I did and asked myself a very important question,  how I reacted today of being tired and stress is that how I want my daughter to react to situations? Answer HECK NO! So.I rehearse these words to myself today from Lysa.."A bad moment doesn't make a bad mom." Just because I had a bad day (moments) doesn't mean God doesn't love me or that He is done working on me but just the opposite...God is still chiseling me because I am His Masterpiece and here is my imperfect progress.....

So what I am taking away from Lysa's book "Unglued" and how it has impacted my life literally....

God's Word tells us to speak to that mountain and it will be thrown into the sea...Speaking God's Word over my lives each day is vital! 

As a teenager our youth leader took me to school one day and spoke these exact words Lysa used in Ch 7..."Remember who you are & Act like it..." I have never had anyone speak that to me...

To me I am taking Ch 7 as my confession of Faith: 

• Here I am...I am a Child of God and one bad moment is NOT going to DICTACTE who I am!
• Remember WHO I AM! 
• CRY OUT TO JESUS because there is POWER IN HIS NAME!
• The Battle doesn't belong to me and it's not my job to fix my husband, my children, my friends, our families...it's God's job!
• My job is to seek & obey God! 
• Praise God daily and full of thanksgiving-It takes my focus off the situation and onto God who is resolving the situation/circumstances. 
• My Reaction determines my Reach! 
• God has placed these little people in my life and I influence them...So it's important to remember-I may feel ALARM but RESOLVED!

I love this sentence that Lysa says on page 116

"My REACTIONS testify to the kind of relationship I have with Jesus and the effect HE has on my heart"

Only way that can happen is taking time out and sitting at His feet each and every day! You can't know someone if you don't sit and learn. If you want to be like Jesus, I have to sit at His feet and swallow up everything He wants to teach me and show me. 

Be GRATEFUL for what I have...

When I was 17 yrs old, I went on a mission trip to Russia. I look at my photobooks and remember the depression that lays on that country but I also remembering seeing and experiencing God first hand. Just because that happen to me then doesn't mean God is done with me today. I felt for so long that God was done with me because I made choices in my life that didn't line up with His WORD! GOD isn't done with me and he sure is not done with you! This is just the beginning! God has BIG Things for US ALL! 

SO what am I grateful for: 

That my husband is a man after God's own heart

My beautiful children-for a period of time I thought I would never have children! God gave me my 1st baby at 34 yrs old and my 2nd at 36 yrs old! GOD IS GOOD! 

My home

That I get to be alive and breathe on my own, I can walk, I can talk, I can read! 

I am thankful for a vehicle so my husband can go to work everyday and work hard in providing for us 

I may slip and fall and not handle things the way God would like me to but I am a working progress and to me that means I am learning & growing & acknowledging that I have a lot of room for improvement! God is far from done with me...I am HIS WORKMANSHIP created in CHRIST...Father God, chisel away...

Seeking HIM first, 

Liz 

Getting a Grip.......

I Peter 5:8 
⁸ Be on your guard (self-controlled) and stay awake. Your enemy, the devil, is like a roaring lion, sneaking around to find someone to attack. 

Amplified Bible (AMP)

⁸ Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [^[a]in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.

This verse is our memory verse for Unglued Bible Study. I thought I would share here what this verse means to me. 
  
We are being instructed to be on guard, in control of ourselves in the way we respond to situations. Not only that be cautious and alert of our surroundings. As a woman when we are walking at night we are making sure we have our keys ready for self defense, we are looking around for a moment where we can become under attack. It is our natural instincts to be on guard. Now that is what we are being instructed to do with the devil.  Be on high alert and ready for anything. The most important part in this verse to me is to BE IN CONTROL and ALERT! The devil is constantly looking for ways to trip me up and throw distractions in my path. My husbands has always told me my biggest downfall is the way I react to people and the situations. He has always encouraged me to get in control and I would see more positive outcome...My excuse of not being in control would be "they just know what buttons to push so if they would stop pushing my buttons then I wouldn't had to yell or scream at them..." (Exploder that Blames Others).  

So being on guard (in control) and alert that gives me time to Pause-Stop-Breathe in & out-gain perspective and then Respond to the situation!I actually have a note on my computer to remind me daily! With these steps it reminds me daily the person I want to be; A Woman of God that responds & reacts with Soul Integrity. 

This past week I had to put into practice what I have read. I chose to stay calm and not have a unglued moment even though I was really hurt because I felt I had been bluntly lied too by a "friend." I had to sit down and actually write a letter to this "friend" and try to communicate gracefully. I sat down and prayed and followed the template laid before us. I prayed over my email and consulted my husband before I sent it. Even though, it was a very difficult email to send but it was necessary for me to send it. If I didn't send it, then what would of happened next would be me "stuffing/building barriers." I desire to grow in the Lord and find the balance in my life with Soul Integrity like Lysa spoke of.  

I looked over my notes I wrote for Ch 5. especially the part about the devil was actually our enemy and behind it all. I still knew that I was going to get backlash and explosion from this "friend." Her reaction to my email was worse than I could of imagine. Her words were beyond repair. The crazy thing is, in the past I would usually come back swinging with words and daggers just like her but instead I felt a peace over my mind and spirit. I was calm. I prayed and repeated to myself, Forgiveness is Mandatory but Reconciliation is Optional. 

Between the situation and reading Chapter 5 this is what I took from it all....everything is a choice. I can't always control the situation but I can control myself. I have a long way to go but at least I know I am making PROGRESS! Also, my feelings indicators, not dictators! Remembering who the real enemy is...even in the midst of different situations and it is mandatory for me to have that quiet time with God before I deal "with the screaming demands of the world." Following a template and following it....Step out of the battle zone and get quiet with God and have Him help me to get a grip.....


Seeking HIM first,
Liz