When I had my daughter 3 yrs ago, I thought I was well prepared for parenting and motherhood. I was 34 yrs old, I thought I finally reached adulthood and was ready for the journey in front of me. I thought by reading all kinds of books on past scars and passing it down to my children, speaking with moms that had been through the battles and walked away with scars from motherhood that I would not make the same mistakes. Joke was on me. So when I had my son, I felt lost, confused, exhausted, burned out, and very much defeated. With lack of knowledge and no "Real" support system I felt alone in this role of being a mother. See when I was growing up I didn't have the a good role model of what mothers are suppose to do for their children. Now saying that, some will say I am contradicting myself but follow me for a minute. My mom was a great mom in other ways. She loved me unconditionally, supported me when I need it, worked hard to provide for me, and she taught me how to survive when life was just plain ugly. I now understand that my mom was not a bad mom she just didn't have anyone every show her, model for her on the role of motherhood. She wasn't given the tools she needed to be a wife and mother. From the get go in her relationship with my dad was abusive and ugly but where their is ugliness beauty always follows which in her case was my brother and I.
I just came home from the most overwhelming and emotional weekend face to face with Jesus and real truth. I went to my first "Hearts at Home National Convention" in Bloomington-Normal, IL. Ladies, that have gone before prepared me as much as they could and I even tried to prepare myself emotionally for the experience. Our first speaker, was Jill Savage founder of Hearts at Home. When she spoke it was like she was speaking right at me and my life. Sometimes moms, you just need to get real and take off the mask that covers our scars and bruises from childhood to motherhood. Before I walked in that big auditorium I made that decision I was going to be open and honest with myself and to God! Look myself in the mirror and allow God to pierce my heart because honestly I was more than just exhausted when I headed to Bloomington-Normal. I was emotionally and mentally felt ran over by a big Semi-Truck and I didn't know how I was ever gonna get pass some stuff I was dealing with feelings and outburst like anger, bitterness, and exhaustion. I was sick-tired of the way I was living & responding to situations with complete anger & bitterness, sick-tired of the way I was responding to my husband and children, sick-tired in the way I was treating people I loved like my mom. So I was at a place in my heart that I needed someone to help me and minister right to my heart and right where I was at. That is what is so cool about God he knows our hearts and he knows what we need even when we can't put it into words. He knows. So God Almighty used some amazing woman and men to minister to me and supplied me with tools that I can use and put into practice immediately.What does "No more Perfect Mom" mean to me?
Giving myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes. Now, those few short sentence means a lot to me....If I would allow myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes that means that I would not be disappointed. Which for me disappointment leads to anger then to "mommy monster" as Jill called it. I then wouldn't feel guilty because I released the high expectation that myself and my family had live up too. Another thing, that stood out to me is stop comparing my inside to other women, mothers, families outside. That really becomes a dangerous game to play. Which I did all the time. I would compare myself to other women, Facebook friends, Pinterest, even family members, friends, and acquaintances. So you name it I played the comparison game all the time. I wasn't pretty even, my hair wasn't long enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't nice enough, I wasn't ..... my list and expectation on myself was harsh and long. The Freedom I feel to have the tangible tools in my hands and heart to really be able to be REAL and UNMASKED! No longer living a life of fakeness but REALNESS! I have a real husband who likes to wash towels with shirts, I have real children who do not listen and obey like I would like and talks back, I have a real me who I was quick to anger when my expectation wasn't met but have learned to replace anger with grace. Grace has been a way of living for me lately..I am learning to embrace my new friend grace.....
2 Corinthians 12:9
Amplified Bible (AMP)
9 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
I not just walked away with a new outlook, tangible tools to apply into my life, new purpose & direction but I walked away with a new friend who once was an acquaintences to me but now my accountability partner in this crazy world of being a wife and mother. Even though we live in different part of the State of IL. She lives in Southern IL and I live in Northern IL God has a cool way of making the dots connect.
Until next time,
